How does relocating with children affect THEM?

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Friends/family, pets, girlfriend/boyfriend, favorite TV shows, favorite hangouts, teachers (believe it or not), sports teams, activities such as extracurricular activities, play dates, concerts, shopping, clothing trends, toys, books, games, etc.

Overall, what expat kids-also known as MKs (missionary kids) TCKs (third culture kids), or CCKs (cross culture kids)-MISS MOST IS: feeling a sense of belonging and feeling a sense of identity Ask any expat kid “where are you from?” and watch them go blank - you may be surprised to see this includes your own children.

As adult expats you may have grown up in a stable rooted environment with few moves until you entered your professional or university life. You know where you are from. You have no doubts about what country you call your “homeland” or where you will return to after your trip. You identify clearly (unless you were also an expat kid) with a nation, a family bond, a mother language, and you have roots. But do your kids? Have you just assumed that your kids consider your place of birth (quite possibly also theirs) their homeland? You might be surprised to find they don't!

As adults we may not place as much value on these things but for kids this is their entire social environ and their sole occupation. We may think TV, games, sports, shopping can all be easily taken up elsewhere, but we fail to realize how great a part they play in their lives. They live to play and go to school (teens may have jobs). Socializing is a large part of all of these activities. We may think clothing, toys, books or games can be easily replaced, but the emotional attachment our kids have to them may be far greater than we calculated.

Prepare your kids for transition by more fully involving them in every aspect of your move:

20 things your kids will thank you for for the rest of their lives

Part I: The one decision your kids won't have a choice about

You’d be surprised to find that many kids, even if they demonstrate anger at your decision, will ultimately find comfort in your decisiveness. A parent that shows they are secure in their decision actually can impart a sense of safety and security to the child, although the child may not actually be able to identify this as one of the things that helped them to feel more secure at the time. (Most of us don't realize this. We just detest you for a while. Expat kids who are reading this will probably not agree. Most of us realize this when we're older.)

If at all possible, can you share a comparable point in your life so your kids can see you do understand how they might be feeling? Even if you didn’t move a lot when you were young share about a time when your parents made a decision you didn’t agree with (or didn’t understand, or caused you sadness, or made your feel insecure) and then tell them how you ultimately came to accept the situation, manage or deal with it, use it to your advantage, or turn it into a positive, etc.

Example: I moved my child back to Bolivia when he was four years old. He had a hard time adjusting to his new kindergarden. One day I told him “You know I was exactly your age when my family moved to Ecuador. I was the new kid at school. I didn’t speak Spanish or understand anyone. I was the only blonde kid. The other kids didn’t know English so even if they wanted to play with me they didn’t invite me to. I felt very lonely and afraid and shy and I spent most of the day by myself. Isn’t that what you are feeling?” Eyes big as saucers: “Yes mommy! Eeezackly!” “Well, you know because I have been in the same situation and I understand how you are feeling, would you let me know when you feel this way so we can talk about it?”

The relief in my child’s face was plainly visible. From that day forward we made it a ritual to talk every day after school as we walked home (and I chose to walk rather than pick him up by car because this gave us this time). His thoughts and fears flowed like a river. We discussed and shared and he opened up completely. He was so relieved to know I actually understood him. The change was apparent almost immediately. Within two weeks he was making friends, actively trying to learn the language, and participating in classroom activities with a sense of pride.

You may not have gone through the exact same experience as your child, but if you think back, there are sure to be times when you resisted a decision your parents made only to find things went well. Share this. Your biggest success in smoothing out this transition is in ensuring your children trust you. If they trust you make decisions you feel will be good for them, much of the fear and apprehension (and resistance) will dissipate.

So can you guarantee things will go well? No. But you can make an attempt and all most kids need is to see their parents are making an effort for them. One thing you can do is give them some choices:

19 aspects they CAN have a choice about

Read the LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT PAGE on Relocating with Children

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Resources for parents relocating with children

Third Culture Kids is one of the best books written about expatriate children. It defines what a third culture kid (TCK) is and discusses some of the problems and feelings they experience as well as the results of all the moving around!

You can get it instantly on your Kindle here: Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds (Second Revised Edition)

Club Expat: A Teenager's Guide to Moving Overseas is written by two expat brothers who wrote the book while attending Yale. Check out what both kids and adults have to say about this resource on the Amazon.com comments page. It gets 5 stars all the way.

Raising Global Nomads: Parenting Abroad in an On-Demand World also gets 5 stars all the way. This book specifically for parents relocating with children really hits the mark with readers.

You can find these and many more books about moving abroad and living overseas in the Living Overseas Bookstore.

Be sure to visit our Expat Kids Reading Room, Relocation Reading Room, our Living Overseas, our Repatriation Reading Room and all our other Reading Rooms, at our sister site GoSouthExpat.com all of which contain articles we hand picked for you or were contributed by other expatriates to the site.

One of the best ways to obtain any information you need about expatriate living is to participate actively on the site either through our Expat Chat Room, Country Specific Expat Forums, or by introducing yourself to Our Online South America Expat Community where you can ask questions (or help others out) by contributing our own thoughts.

If you’re interested in exploring options for Spanish lessons for yourself or your children, we’ve listed multiple options and programs available on this page: Learn Spanish. One of the best things you can do to prepare for moving with kids is to provide them at least the language basics. Being able to communicate is one of the most effective self-esteem boosters.

Some individuals and families need a little extra coaching. In fact, read this to see why I, as both an expat kid and an expat mother, believe Culture Transition Coaching is the ONE THING every expat should have access too (and most of us never do!)

When moving with kids, one of the most responsible actions you can take is to store valuable or irreplaceable family documents in a safe place and have your wealth management, will and testament in order. No one likes to talk about this subject but it is your responsibility – it truly is! – as an expat parent to have these things in order. If anything should happen to you in a foreign country, would strangers, your consulate, or the local authorities know what to do for your child? Download this ExPat Life Portfolio Kit (it’s free!) and read it. It’s provided by an American company that serves USA expats, but no matter what your country of origin, read it and get a feel for the type of preparation you should be making to keep your kids safe.

You’ll find many more valuable resources online at GoSouthExpat.com and BoliviaBella.com Please take this opportunity to let us know what topics we can cover that are of interest to you.

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